Needing to be Forgiven
by Arcamion
Summary: Death doesn’t make everything final. After fifteen years, Lily’s words and eyes still torment Severus, leaving him, more than anything, needing to be forgiven. A song fic to Garth Brooks “More Than a Memory”


**Needing to be Forgiven**

"_It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years… you and your precious little Death Eater friends-" _He shook his head fitfully, a small moan escaping his lips. Distantly, he could hear her speaking, her words tearing into him like knives. _"You've chosen your way. I've chosen mine." _The empty bottle slipped from his fingers, hitting the cold stone floor and rolling away.

Severus opened bleary eyes, hauling himself out of the worn armchair. Staggering across the room, he leaned against his desk and downed the phial waiting there for him, not bothering to read the small, neat note from Pomfrey. Her potions reduced hangovers, but they didn't vanquish memories.

_People say she's only in my head.  
__It's gonna take time, but I'll forget.  
__They say I need to get on with my life.  
__But they don't realize.._

Grabbing his cloak from the rack, Severus threw it across his shoulders and left the office, hardly noticing the clock striking 2 a.m. He left the school, wandering the grounds under the crystalline night sky, much as he had during his school days, when he couldn't get her off his mind. Unconsciously, he found himself staring up towards Gryffindor tower, towards a certain window where he'd often seen her shadow in the window, framed in candle light. Dimly, he felt a wetness on his cheek. Touching cold skin, he realized it was snow. He turned back towards the school, sleep deprivation and wine making him clumsy and slow. Entering through the kitchens, he was forced to squint against a bright wand light.

Behind the glare, he heard Dumbledore's voice. "It's an odd time to be out for a stroll, Severus. Is there something on your mind, or have you misplaced your watch?"

Severus shook his head. "I've misplaced nothing. I was just wondering…" lost for excuses, his eyes fell upon Dumbledore's withered hand. "Wondering if I could have bought you more time." _Wondering if I could have gotten to her in time. _

Raising his strong hand to grasp Severus's shoulder warmly, Dumbledore gave him a kind smile. "It's best not to dwell on the past. It will all be alright, Severus." Stiffly, Severus nodded.

_What they don't realize is…  
__When you dial six numbers just to hang up the phone.  
__Drive across town just to see if she's home.  
__Waking a friend in the dead of night,  
__Just to hear him say it's going to be alright.  
__When you find things to do not to fall asleep.  
_'_Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams.  
__That's when she's more than a memory._

Leaving the kitchen, he returned to his quarters. Though he was too tired to sleep, he opened a dresser drawer. In the dark, his fingers grasped a worn piece of parchment carefully, as though it were something fragile. Sitting on a mattress which creaked as it bowed under his weight, he lit an ancient oil lamp, so that he could see the faded ink, a script as beautiful as she had been.

_Lots of love, _

_**L**__ily_

With a wrench, Severus reminded himself, yet again, that those words had not been written to him. They'd been written… days before her death… to Black, who had finished her life as cavalierly as he'd finished his own. Black had as good as killed her, yet she had loved him, as she hadn't loved Severus. Slowly, as though the parchment were a mortal injury, he held it over the flame. But when the smell of burnt animal hide filled the room and her signature was nothing but ash, his wounds still were not cauterized.

Blindly, he opened the end table drawer, knowing exactly where her tattered picture would be. Atop a pile of loose pages, Lily laughed at him.

_Took a match to everything she ever wrote.  
__Watched her words go up in smoke.  
__Tore all her pictures off the walls.  
__But it ain't helping me at all. _

Lily laughed at him, her face alight with happiness as her eyes followed something he couldn't see- something he'd torn out, as though not seeing it would make it disappear. "But it won't," he whispered softly. "He has your eyes. How could he have your eyes?" Shutting the drawer, he hid from those eyes. It was irrational, perhaps, to hide from a photograph, but he couldn't let her see him now. Lily had always been so strong. "Gone… Dead…."

"_You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son."_

"_He does not need protection…"_

Closing his eyes, he clenched a fist angrily, knocking a Firewhiskey bottle from the table. Desperately, he fumbled to catch it as it shattered across the floor. Forgetting his wand, Severus knelt on the floor and gathered up the shards with shaking hands. Gasping at a sharp pain, he realized dimly that he was bleeding. Severus bowed his head, kneeling there on the stone floor and pleaded silently with Lily to forgive him. He didn't ask for a sign, because he knew after fifteen years, one wouldn't come.

'_Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there.  
__You look like hell and you just don't care.  
__Drinkin' more than you ever drank.  
__Sinkin' down lower than you ever sank.  
__When you find yourself fallin' down upon your knees.  
__Prayin' to God, beggin' him "Please".  
__That's when she's more than a memory. _

"More Than a Memory" by Garth Brooks. 2007


End file.
